I got a letter from myself the other day. I wrote it a year younger, from a time when I was immensely heartbroken and despite that, surprisingly, full of hope.
I’d forgotten that I’d written to myself, but as soon as I opened up the email sent via FutureMe.org, I remembered. I remembered the context in which it was written. The sunshiny teary days which preceded and followed it, a new hair colour, the surprise job which came two days later, offers of places to rest my head, the support of emails and comments and strangers who oh so quickly became friends.
…You are so amazing for having gone through this. I’m guessing that the lows were terrible? But the highs were amazing? And eventually there were more highs than lows?
Did you ask for help when you needed it? Did you listen to what you needed and tried to get those things?…
Glory, when I read what I’d written I was so proud of myself for knowing that everything would turn out fine. Despite missing every one I loved (D especially) the entire experience was about knowing that I was free to grow and strengthen my identity.
I was right though, the lows were terrible. I shook and screamed and wailed. At times I said some horrible things to D which I would regret but for the fact that they were part of experiences which moved me closer to where I am now.
The ways in which I’ve grown over the past year has been more than just how I got over a breakup on the other side of the world. Prior to leaving Australia, my body and mind had been taut with anxiety about relationships, career, sex, the universe, health, needs, desires and identity. As we traveled across China, Mongolia and Russia, my self-esteem and self-assurance faded away and the panic and the fights grew more frequent. What I ended up dealing with in Finland was not just the breakup of a relationship, but a breakdown of me.
Apart from time and lots of thinking, there were a few processes that helped my heart and head to heal.
- I bought a €2 paint set and cheap paper and wrote lists of the qualities with which I wanted to approach work, sex, relationships and home.
- I wrote 3 pages every morning for over 3 months. I cannot recommend this highly enough, both as a creative exercise and also as a self-counseling technique. In order to be honest with this writing, t’s important to presume that you’ll never reread what you wrote.
- If I needed a hug and there was someone I trusted (a co-worker, friend) nearby I would ask them very directly for a hug. Every time I was rewarded with support and a good hug. When there was no-one available right then and there I reminded myself that the universe could give me a hug.
- I used the paints and paper to write decorative letters to people I cared about.
- I missed having a garden, so I bought plants, and painted my wall garden.
- I slept a lot.
- I drank a lot of tea.
- I let myself cry.
- I wrote down these steps and follow them whenever I feel upset or stressed.
Some of the issues which I battled with are still relevant. What has changed is that I am far better at knowing how to deal with the issues. Life still rises up and overwhelms me and for the past year I’ve managed to live without regularly panicking and falling apart.
It can still happen though. This morning my visit to the farmers’ market was marred by anxiety due to crowds and a general sense of distress. Later, while eating soft-boiled super-jumbo free-range eggs for brunch, the world seemed to cave in around me and my bottom lip started to quiver and suddenly I was receiving a hug from my understanding beau.
Two years ago I’d have lain catatonic for days or descended into a horrible fight with people that I care about. What is different now is that I’d already begun to identify the reasons for anxiety and ended up talking about what was bothering me (work, living up to people’s expectations, time management, creativity) instead of endlessly skirting around the issues.
I’d been meaning to return to the lists of qualities that I wrote last year and as it was relevant to what we were talking about I shared them with M. Happily, I was being true to almost everything that I’d written down. Unsurprisingly, the things that I felt I wasn’t being true to are directly related to the issues that are making me stressed.
Within half an hour of talking I’d been able to articulate some changes which hopefully will make certain aspects of my life more rewarding. Now it’s a matter of seeing if those changes can be put in place before worrying about what will happen next.
[Thanks to M's support and encouragement I also faced my recently acquired fear of sharing my life and opinions on this blog and I sat down to write it out with truth.]
