On my last visit to Amsterdam I arrived penniless and bitten by bed bugs only to stay at a crummy hostel with no other people my age. I hated it. Everything seemed expensive and as I wandering around by myself, I didn’t feel brave or cool enough to hang out anywhere whilst avoiding the dark and the cold and further spending. Shortly afterwards I changed my flights and went home to Adelaide at least a month earlier than I’d planned.

But this time everything is working out well.

I arrived at the airport to find James waiting for me. We made comparisons about our respective adopted countries and talked about Ianto, Matty B and other Adelaide mutual friends. I was given a dinky on the back of a bike and yummy typically Dutch “Breakfast Cake” and stroopwaffel all within the first two hours of arrival!

Leaving James to revise the finer points of Environmental Genomics and get excited about the possibility of growing mutant plants on his window sill, I went into Amsterdam proper.

Guess what? I really like it this time. So much that as I wandered around looking at awesome bookshops, work from some of my favourite designers, and past cool venues and cafes I started doing the “If I lived in Amsterdam” mental checklist which always happens when I like a place.

Items at the top of the list:

Buy cut flowers at least twice a week.
Have a really cool bike.
Eat stroopwaffel frequently.

The weather, while not ridiculously sunny, is warm enough to be a change from Helsinki and there’s been enough blue sky to make a pair of Dutchman’s trousers.

Also, as rumoured, there are so many very tall people here. For those kids from back home who know him, James doesn’t actually seem that tall in comparison.

1. to run a vego friendly teahouse with my friend Pete who’s moving back to Melbourne from Japan in December. I know what I would call the place, I know what I want it to look like, I know what food I want to serve and what music would be playing in the background. Pete probably wouldn’t live in Brisbane, Sydney or Adelaide for a long time and I know I could fall in love with Melbourne again, but aren’t there enough cool establishments in Melbourne already? Doesn’t Adelaide need the love?
2. to learn how to screenprint textiles and make bedlinen and teatowels and fabric and bags. I’d like to have a small company that sells this stuff, possibly at idea # 4.
3. to learn the perfect timing for soft boiled eggs so that the yolk is runny and the white isn’t weird and clear, but a just cooked white. I would serve these soft boiled eggs with toast soldiers at my cafe [see #1 and #4].
4. to run a multifunction space which is maybe the same as the first cafe but which also has an ever changing but select range of books, zines, magazines, clothes, records, whatevers that are packed away at night so that the greater space would become a venue for bands and djs.
5. to be braver (see # 1, 2, 4, 6).
6. to write stories and articles which would maybe be published in magazines and websites (see #5).
7. to make more pictures and let more people see them and not just online.
8. to take the first step of making my ideas reality (see #5, 7).
9. to see Spoon, Buck 65, The Paradise Motel, New Buffalo, The Avalanches, reckoning and about a million other bands play again but only reckoning if I was still 16-22 years old.
10. all my friends from around the world to come together in one place and hang out for a bit.
11. world peace and an effective end to climate change.
12. to continue the cross referencing of things I would like but it just got too tricky as they are all really related.
13. really good sex.
14. to live in more countries and learn stuff about what is good there to take back to Australia and implement there. But I realise that I can’t live everywhere and do the more permanent business running things too.
15. to live in Montreal for a while and ideally work in a cool cafe and improve my French and learn more about running a cafe as I already am beginning to know stuff about running a bar.
16. a really good garden which is mainly vegetables and fruit but with some beautiful non-edible things too.
17. healthy, happy children who i get to spend enough time with.
18. for the right people to do these things alongside to eventually turn up in my life and for me to keep them alongside me.
19. to buy beautiful and practical things made by people who love what they are doing.
20. to ride my bike salt again every day.
21. to have more occasions to wear pretty clothes and maintain a pleasant state of inebriation alongside my friends (see #10).
22. to hang out and volunteer at 826 Valencia and to help initiate similar programs back in Australia.
23. to visit Angus Watt’s workshop and help make flags like the ones flying at Womadelaide.
24. to have enough time to do all this stuff and stay alive (pay rent, eat, shower, sleep, poop, relax) at the same time. Why do I feel like there just isn’t ever going to be enough time?

January 17, 2007:

1. to eat well.
2. to build a digital photobooth.
3. to set up an art / comic / zine vending machine from a vintage cigarette machine.
4. to carve a
5. to visit Portland, Oregon, USA and work out what makes it seem like such a cool city.
6. to make Adelaide even better.

March 22, 2007:

1. to be friends with my ex, Dan.
2. to visit more places at a pace i feel comfortable with
3. more people visiting my place for purposes of creativity and getting fed good food.
4. to make homemade crumpets

Theory: You have to put this stuff out there. Into the universe, into the minds of your friends and family and the global consciousness. If you know what you want and let it be known then theoretically synchronicity will step in and help out a bit. Then you have to do the rest.

So I wrote a list of what I want. A wishlist shall we say. A flexible list of goals and aspirations and things that would be good to have happen. It will change and be added to. Feel free to read it.

I would like…

And you know what, it helped me realise that no matter how much I might have loved someone, ultimately if they wanted things that were going to ultimately clash with what I eventually realised I wanted but was afraid to say, well how could it have worked out in the end?

by .

In the hope that Photo Friday might get me snapping in the northern dark a bit more I resubscribed.

The first theme that came up was evil and my limited knowledge of Helsinki doesn’t run to the evil places.

Instead here’s a photo from my trip to Vietnam a couple of years ago.

How many of you have read His Dark Materials by Philip Pullman yet? Anybody? No? I mentioned the books a while ago?

Well, if you have got around to reading the trilogy you’ll understand what powerful stuff “dust” is. An amazing elementary particle that is all around us, particles that know what is going on, that react to being observed, particles which are believed to be the embodiment of “original sin”…

A while ago I was really excited to hear about the Global Consciousness Project “designed to explore whether the construct of interconnected consciousness can be scientifically validated through objective measurement.” The hypothesis is that when a huge amount of the world’s population is thinking of the same thing, randomly generated numbers collected from “EGGs” will be more likely to demonstrate non-random patterns.

Data which has appeared to be more non-random appeared around the time of global events such as the September 11 attacks, “the funeral ceremonies of Princess Diana, the first hour of NATO bombing in Yugoslavia, a few minutes around midnight on any New Years Eve and public events such as Live 8.”

Could it be something like dust that transmits global consiousness? The EGG’s used to collect data aren’t that different from the apparatus Mary Malone uses to connect to the shadow particles in the third book of the Dark Materials trilogy, .

So, it’s been possible to observe deviations away from standard random number probability after the occurrence of an unplanned global event. However, how about planning to influence the global consciousness at a specific time?

One such event planned in the next month or so is the world’s first Global Orgasm “coming” up on December 22nd, 2006, the winter solstice.

The mission of the Global Orgasm is to effect change in the energy field of the Earth through input of the largest possible surge of human energy. Now that there are two more US fleets heading for the Persian Gulf with anti- submarine equipment that can only be for use against Iran, the time to change Earth’s energy is NOW!

The intent is that the participants concentrate any thoughts during and after orgasm on peace. The combination of high-energy orgasmic energy combined with mindful intention may have a much greater effect than previous mass meditations and prayers.

The goal is to add so much concentrated and high-energy positive input into the energy field of the Earth that it will reduce the current dangerous levels of aggression and violence throughout the world.

from the Global Orgasm organisation’s Mission Statement.

Call me a hippy if you want, but I really love this concept as it involves the movement towards world peace, mathematical analysis, positive thinking and of course good sex whether it’s with someone else or by yourself.

So, I know how I’m planning on celebrating the shortest day of the year… How about you? What and who are you going to be doing?

There is of course, a blog associated with Global Orgasm day.  And to keep you up to date with the countdown there’s a Dashboard widget for Macintosh users.  Here’s a wikipedia entry on the Global Consciousness Project which does offer some scientific criticism of the data analysis techniques. And here are looking at the science behind His Dark Materials.

• Clipper Organic Indian Chai (my regular tea, drunk with organic milk / soy milk and honey)
• Some type of liquorice based herbal chai tea from Yogi Tea
• Nettle leaves from (picked before Midsummer ‘05 leaving tingles on one’s hands). High in Iron.
• Red cardboard tube of jasmine pearls bought in a hutong market in Beijing.
• Green cardboard tube of cheaper jasmine tea bought in the aforementioned market in Beijing
• Rooibos Vanilla tea
• St Johns Wort tea from Stubby. Stored in a beautiful Lotus Tea tin bought in Hakaniemi.
• Lotus Tea in a bag removed from the tin because I needed somewhere to put the St Johns Wort.
• Delicious Chinese Peppermint Green Tea in a cool tin bought in Rome.
• Peppermint
• Chamomile
• Bizarre honey tea #1 bought back from Prague by Chris (Modový Polibek)
• Bizarre honey tea #2 bought back from Prague by Chris (Turecký Med) which has walnuts and pistachios in it.
• Sencha mint tea from Chris
• Mate tea from Chris
• Clipper Organic Earl Grey

After watching Marie Antoinette with Maria last night we visited Henry’s Pub and Bar 9 for post-movie discussions about Sofia Coppola’s motif of bored girls lying on beds thinking. Maria and her liver did battle with cider (she’d been planning to not drink too) but I chose multiple cups of hot chocolate and rosehip tea over alcohol. I felt better for that decision.

Don’t get me wrong here, I don’t have a drinking problem, but I do have a problem with drinking to get drunk in that it isn’t my favourite thing to do, but hey I work in a bar, my friends (mainly met in the bar) are often out drinking and I am living in Finland.

As Seamus pointed out in the comments there were years of my young life when I refused to drink at all (though I think that interaction in the Cranker was about 5 years ago at least) and since being “straightedge” moderation has been the norm for me. And like Pete (who’s sent me some awesome emails and mix cds) I have noticed that too much alcohol is a trigger for depression and potential anxiety.

To be healthy and happier, moderation has to go back to being the norm and that means one or tea red wines or beers in a night and no warm vodka from boxes at after parties… But that’s eventually.. but for the next week or so I’ll just be sticking to tea and hot chocolate and juice.

Today I found out that I didn’t even get an interview for the job that I was interested in. Which sucks a bit as my pride is hurt. But I’d have probably ended up getting stressed by the job anyway.

Finding out whether I was going to get an interview was one of the signs I was waiting for in working out whether to stay or go. If it was meant to be it would have happened.

So I can now live the next couple of months with as much passion as the Finnish winter deserves and then pack up all my tea and go home. For a while.

Mum sent me an email after my last post which contained the rather telling line:

Is it possible that some of your indecisiveness is due to depression?

Which led me to reflect on my lack of exercise, the desire to curl up and sleep most of the time, the horrible feeling of sadness which follows most evenings when I’ve drunk alcohol, the reduced hours of daylight, the lack of creative expression and watching too much television.

Maybe not always, but a lot of the time, Mum does know best.

So, it’s time to break into the St Johns Wort I stockpiled after the delivery from Stubby, really truly not drink alcohol for a while (though I will drink some beer in Brussels and Amsterdam), not stay up watching 3 episodes of The Wire in a row enabling me to get up at 9 and leave the house to do things like such as looking at art on the days when I’m not working.

Simple, in theory.  We’ll see how it goes.

In signs that I really am in my “later” 20s, yesterday I experienced the worst hangover of my life. I managed to catch the bus back from Noona’s house only to retire to my quilt cocoon for hours and hours. When I tried to drink water, I vomited. When I had a shower, I vomited. So instead of trying to do anything productive or potentially rehydrating, I slept.

It was only another friend arriving to watch a movie that gave me the motivation to stay awake and by midnight I’d been able to eat a banana and then some avocado on toast.

The lesson? When Noona offers you some warm vodka that comes packaged in a goon bag, you should refuse her kind offer because you’ll start to vomit when Jared and Chris both get naked to entertain the ladies. And you’ll never find out what happens next.

As a result of sleeping so much yesterday I couldn’t sleep properly last night and I had two very specific, travel / return to Australia bad dreams.

Bad Dream the First: I left Finland and fly straight back to Australia without getting a chance to hang out and say goodbye to Ninnu, Sid and Ronja. I am wracked with guilt and have no way of getting in contact with them again.

Bad Dream the Second: I’m back in Australia. I have a daypack, a camera, a small book and no change of clothes. I decide to catch a bus to Alice Springs. Somehow (after taking photos of lizards and some creatures which were some CGI style fantastical animals from my brain) I end up stopping in a small settlement only to find out that the next buses to the Alice or Adelaide wouldn’t be through for another week. I am shocked to realise that Australia is so big and isolated and dry.

So, all this coincides with the realisation that I’ve got seven more weeks of work at the bar.  If I want to I could stay working there a bit longer, but then getting enough time to just pack up and chill out in Finland and probably visit friends in the UK wouldn’t happen.  I also want to stop off in Hong Kong on the way back to Australia and to arrive in Adelaide so that I can spend all of March hanging out at Fringe and Womad.

I have to admit, I’m not sure that I want to leave Finland now. And I’m not sure whether I want to stay in Australia once I get back there.  I wouldn’t mind heading off to Canada or the UK, but then I’d need to go through the incredibly difficult process of developing a new friendship group when I have awesome collections of friends already in Australia and Finland.

You see, I’m not sure where home really is anymore.  Ultimately, Adelaide is still the most homelike place that I have, but when I left Australia in March I effectively blocked out Adelaide as my home and told myself “Where Dan is, that will be home”.  And then that sense of home was ripped away too.

I have ties to individuals who are scattered across the world and to a certain extent they represent home, but place?  That is such a confusing situation to deal with. I don’t really have a bed or a space of my own in Adelaide any more (just boxes of stuff and packed up memories) but right now in Helsinki I own a bed, I have a room, I have favourite things, I have plans and distractions.

Oh damn I am so confused.

I think that if I do stay in Adelaide I’ll work in a cafe, grow a vegetable garden, paint and write and ride my bike.   That is all I would want.

It was my flatmate Lea’s birthday yesterday and I’d been thinking about baking a cake for a while (it’s been 8 months), so I decided to play it simple and bake her some banana cakes. I had some bananas and eggs and sugar, and I knew the Suomi for butter (voi) but I then had to work out how to get or make self-raising flour (flour I could translate (jauhot), the self-raising part not so well). I didn’t find the flour I needed, but I did find baking powder and baking soda and made a fair substitute using normal cake flour.

I say fair substitute, because even though Finland is a big fan of the metric system, I don’t actually own any of the cup or spoon measures that all of my Australian based recipes use. So I had to fudge my measurements which then threw out the entire flour / moisture balance. In the end though, despite the patty pans listing to one side which made the cakes look kinda munted, the actual cake component turned out delicious and with an appropriate cake like texture.

Normally I just have my banana cakes plain and eat them with chocolate milk, but as it was Lea’s birthday I gussied them up with a chocolate ganache on top.

You know, back in the day I would have freaked out over the minor catastrophes that plagued the cake baking process and probably cried when my mashed potatoes turned out like glue. Guess what? I don’t care about that stuff so much anymore. Lea enjoyed her cakes, and even though they didn’t look perfect, I proudly took some cakes to the bar for the guys who were working last night.

Chocolate Ganache

• a block of dark chocolate (70% cocoa +)
• equal weight of sour cream (or slightly less)
• a pinch of salt.

Melt the chocolate in a double boiler or in the microwave. Stir in the sour cream and add the pinch of salt to enhance the goodness. Spread over cake leaving enough in the bowl to be eaten cleaned up.

• leek, potato and bacon soup
• staying in bed
• blue skies and snow on the ground
• icebreaker thermals
• clothing with stripes (long johns, socks, gloves, singlets)
• friends telling me off and letting me know how they feel therefore prompting me to action
• mix cds from across the world
• huge red mugs of tea with lids
• australian candy
• finnish candy
• doing yoga at least once this week
• candles
• self striping sock yarn
• the power of the intramanet allowing me to download tv shows
• the FlickrExplore widget
• getting back into bed for a nap
• four grain organic porridge
• not knowing what will happen
• discussions about listening to music and walking around in autumn